Coming soon in issue 14...
We teach you how to say boo ya - street style!
Why are elephants are taller than pigs? Create poisonous venom simply by removing the enamel from your teeth Build a giant monster a bit like Frankensteins one but with less moaning and a rounder head Free biscuit - yum! |
issue 13 - Tour de france special
New Jerseys
After the success of the white and green jerseys in recent years the UCI have decided to include two new jerseys for this years tour.
Gordian Jersey
The wearer is the rider/or riders who has completed the race in the least amount of time, during the following day's stage and is awarded to the leader of that classification at the end of the stage who has been deemed by a race jury to have shown spirit during each individual stage. Points are awarded for the severity of it. The more points that are on offer the longer it goes on, based on the squad which has collectively completed the race in the least amount of time. Provided that the points awarded to riders correlate with the position they finish each stage, plus points are awarded for other stages during some stages. Stage winners get the most points, with fewer points awarded to those that arrive later on, unless you arrive eighth, and then the wheel length rule applies. The points are then tallied up after each stage (including ultra stages) and added to points won in all previous stages and inter-modal stages and the ones before that.
brown Jersey
Shittiest rider of the day.
Musettes and drink banned for this years tour
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Wee or swim? New drugs guidelines for Professional cyclists
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issue 12 - Rhone valley & mont ventoux factoids
Poetic venture
 Fran dressed as a tree
Surprisingly, The Chequers Racers are not the first to climb Vont Mentoux. The Italian poet Francesco Petrarch wrote about his ascent on 26 April 1336 claiming to be the first person since antiquity to have climbed the mountain for the view and to see how small his goat can look far away; it took him 18 hours to reach the peak. At the top, Petrarch said "People are moved to wonder by mountain peaks, by vast waves of the sea, by broad waterfalls on rivers, by the all-embracing extent of the ocean, by the revolutions of the stars. But in themselves they are uninterested." He then picked his nose, farted and ate another peach off his servants back.
tasty tarts
Sommelier palates in the Rhone Valley are so refined that some of the octogenarians have the rare ability to taste sound. That might seem absurd, but it is very much a reality for people with a condition called synaesthesia, which causes senses that are usually separate to intermingle. One man, Claude recalls always experiencing an involuntary taste on his tongue every time he heard a sound. Hearing the name Charles De Gaulle in History class, for example, gave him a strong flavor of pear drops. He associated most of the French monarchs with a specific taste, making it easy for him to remember facts and events. As he grew older, he found that his unique ability helped him in other aspects of life too. His relationships were all too delicious – he chose his companions not because of their looks or personality, but based on how their names felt on his taste buds; his colleagues at Chateau Odeur often have a strong essence of sliced potatoes and strawberry jam, while his family names taste like slices of rhubarb, melted wine gums and tarmac. He ended up marrying Felicity Lovelyfanny. According to Claude, “a well seasoned fart can taste like champagne & truffles”, he suggests trying if for yourself.
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what's in a name?
As the name might suggest (Ventoux means crusty in French), it can get very crusty at the summit, especially with the mistral; wind speeds as high as 200 mph have been recorded and the wind blows at 56+ mph 240 days a year. In 1882, a meteorological station was constructed on the summit, though it is no longer in use. It now houses flying ferrets and dog like creatures called dogs; they are known to be bloody scary and impolite but incredibly attractive.
facts & figures
The Chequers Racers climbed the mountain from the South in Bédoin, 1617 m over 21.8 km. This is the most famous but easiest ascent, once described as “a walk in the park” by Bernard Hinault. The road to the summit has an average gradient of 7.43%. Until Saint-Estève, the climb is easy, 3.9% over 5.8 km, but the 16 remaining km have an average gradient of 8.9%. At the very top, the last 2km it is 40%. The last km may have strong, violent winds and gangs of crabs. The ride takes 1h30m-2h30m for trained amateur riders, 3hr-5hr for tubbies. Professional riders take 1h-1h15 min. The fastest time so far recorded has been that of Iban Mayo in the individual climbing time trial of the 2004 Dauphiné Libéré, 55' 51". There are numerous cafes and bars en route, approximately one every 2/3 miles, the most famous being the “parler des conneries”.
Woof
 Alan
A new dog grooming trend in the Rhone valley has dog owners giving their pet pooches square haircuts. Canine hairdressers all over France are up to date on the special technique required for these eccentric makeovers. “It came about because people were always looking for more impressive haircuts, and somebody came up with the idea of shaping the dog like a hedge”, parlour owner Monsieur Paude says. Thousands of pet owners are now approaching salons, asking for their dogs’ hair to be cut in geometric patterns. However, as quickly as the trend escalates, It is now banned in the Rhone valley as farmers are using these hedge shaped dogs instead of traditional box hedging, this has spilled into suburbia leading to Cocker spaniels being the most popular form of fencing downtown, “even herbaceous borders are now being replaced with whippets” a spokesperson said. The kennel club was unavailable to comment as it was creating a new kennel range out of border collies.
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highlights of the valley
Bédoin is a lovely little agricultural area comprising several hamlets all of which are blessed with that Mediterranean climate of sun nearly every day of the year, occasional snow and a deluge of hail particularly in May. Interestingly, it has hailed every year on precisely the 15th May, since records began. De Gaulle once said when cycling in the region “merde, these fucking hailstones are worse than the bloody Hun”. Grapes are a local delicacy as are fish, nuts, hairpieces, two trollops and a biscuit. If walking along the active volcano and its vast dune plains you may very well run into one of the last three shepherds of Bédoin tending the sheep with his dog. Perhaps he'll tell you a story of old shepherds and wolves and lambs astray! Or the one about the three gay prostitutes and a spit roast hamster.
The Chequers Racers stayed at one of the most exclusive hotels in Europe, Chateaux Nifty, which includes among its other attractions; a personal butler, two large indoor pools, spa, Crisp Mountain™, barbecue facilities, a private beach and a juggler. There is also 25 hour room service and some very nice chairs to sit in, a bed, two pillows and a plastic bag. Unfortunately, the place is full of fucking cyclists.
Aix-en-Provence is well known for its vampiric indigenous residents; Bat like creatures that roam only at night. So unfortunately, during the daytime the place is run by the topless international school of au pairs. They are fiercely attracted to anyone wearing Lycra but will shun anyone under 5ft 9”. Or, for a true sample of the area make for the Plomp des Pamp. Just out of town, the ex-tile works was southern France's major jizz centre during the last war. Restored for £16 million, the enormous site opened last year as a memorial-cum-museum. The tour is first-rate with jizz from the likes of Uri Geller, Abraham Lincoln (a bit brown and dry looking) and the Osmond’s (very translucent with a suggestion of caviar). Allow three hours for the tour (07525 867 368); with MillTours en French at only a few hundred Euros. The tasting menu is extra or you can bring your own.
Aix is the home to Aix Mansion, known as The Aix Mansion. This 30 bedroom mansion boasts its own bowling alley, nude fighting arena and Olympic sized swimming pool to make it the largest (sort of) home ever built in the world. As well as 30 bedrooms the home has 23 bathrooms with spectacular views over Lake Ewakey. The hand-built (by Siberian rate fleas) windows for the house cost more than £2m (and are still awaiting delivery) and other luxuries include a ballroom, a children's theatre and a shed. There is a garage with enough space for 2 cars, three swimming pools, a large boat house, formal gardens, informal gardens and smart casual gardens. There is also a baseball field, two tennis courts, a flik flak pitch a 60 foot by 120 foot Grand Cupboard with a 30-foot stained glass phallic dome, two leaning staircases, a 37 foot by 30 foot model of a giant foot, 10 satellite kitchens, a two-story wine cellar and a rock grotto with three separate spas behind an 80-foot waterfall. All 23 full bathrooms have full-sized Jacuzzis and 1 loo roll in each, 160 tripled paned windows and Brazilian mahogany Japanese-style, Arabic doors that alone cost £2 million. They also have their very own Crisp Mountain™ built by Mr Crisp himself – Mr Crisp. It has recently been bought by a consortium of slumlords from Wokistan who plan to turn each room into 50 studio flats and move it to Margate.
The Chequers Racers stayed at one of the most exclusive hotels in Europe, Chateaux Nifty, which includes among its other attractions; a personal butler, two large indoor pools, spa, Crisp Mountain™, barbecue facilities, a private beach and a juggler. There is also 25 hour room service and some very nice chairs to sit in, a bed, two pillows and a plastic bag. Unfortunately, the place is full of fucking cyclists.
Aix-en-Provence is well known for its vampiric indigenous residents; Bat like creatures that roam only at night. So unfortunately, during the daytime the place is run by the topless international school of au pairs. They are fiercely attracted to anyone wearing Lycra but will shun anyone under 5ft 9”. Or, for a true sample of the area make for the Plomp des Pamp. Just out of town, the ex-tile works was southern France's major jizz centre during the last war. Restored for £16 million, the enormous site opened last year as a memorial-cum-museum. The tour is first-rate with jizz from the likes of Uri Geller, Abraham Lincoln (a bit brown and dry looking) and the Osmond’s (very translucent with a suggestion of caviar). Allow three hours for the tour (07525 867 368); with MillTours en French at only a few hundred Euros. The tasting menu is extra or you can bring your own.
Aix is the home to Aix Mansion, known as The Aix Mansion. This 30 bedroom mansion boasts its own bowling alley, nude fighting arena and Olympic sized swimming pool to make it the largest (sort of) home ever built in the world. As well as 30 bedrooms the home has 23 bathrooms with spectacular views over Lake Ewakey. The hand-built (by Siberian rate fleas) windows for the house cost more than £2m (and are still awaiting delivery) and other luxuries include a ballroom, a children's theatre and a shed. There is a garage with enough space for 2 cars, three swimming pools, a large boat house, formal gardens, informal gardens and smart casual gardens. There is also a baseball field, two tennis courts, a flik flak pitch a 60 foot by 120 foot Grand Cupboard with a 30-foot stained glass phallic dome, two leaning staircases, a 37 foot by 30 foot model of a giant foot, 10 satellite kitchens, a two-story wine cellar and a rock grotto with three separate spas behind an 80-foot waterfall. All 23 full bathrooms have full-sized Jacuzzis and 1 loo roll in each, 160 tripled paned windows and Brazilian mahogany Japanese-style, Arabic doors that alone cost £2 million. They also have their very own Crisp Mountain™ built by Mr Crisp himself – Mr Crisp. It has recently been bought by a consortium of slumlords from Wokistan who plan to turn each room into 50 studio flats and move it to Margate.
highlights of the valley
and finally...
...on a lighter note, have you checked your genitals recently? Mine are really bloody hairy? Are yours? Would you like hairier balls? If you would like to talk about hairy balls or any other defects please call one of our help lines or email using the subject line “my plums are like a bear” to tracey.l.barnes@smellslikegrass.com If you have flange problems call the AA.