If you answered yes to any of these questions then let us introduce to you the one and only - Miller Owen Technique.
The MOT business is a friendly organisation dedicated to cycling the proper way it was in the Victorian Times or maybe earlier. As we all know, cycling was invented by Mr Flinchy Duckling in Nineteen Hundred and something. Flinchy said at the time “I deeply hope, that this social form of transport, will never be used in competitive pursuits.” He said further, “Cycling, is better, when done slowly. Like a Miller trying to get out of the bath.”
Here at MOT, we are traditionalists and abide by Flinchys’ rules and truly believe that following them will lead to the road of enlightenment or at worst, a pub around the corner and a donut.
Veteran co-founders Mick Owen and Colin Miller go into more detail about what to expect.
Mick shouted “Ee, duck, love, are you wiser than an owl or smaller than a grunty fishman?”. Co-founder Colin explains further “The MOT is a way of life. It really grabs you, and if you live by the rules you’ll probably become rich or a fanny magnet.”
Colin’s guide to MOT rules
- Members must not cycle at more than 17 miles per hour. Colin says “ This is our commitment to reducing carbon emissions. It’s well known, the faster you go, the more of a footprint thing you produce and y’know that’s not great”
- Members never cycle the hard route. “It’s a common fallacy that MOT don’t cycle the difficult routes because they are too tough. The real reason is because we are so fast and fit that we don’t want to embarrass our team mates. And we are gorgeous and really interesting.”
- If in doubt, freewheel. ”Our eco-credentials are borne out by our love of freewheeling. And it gives us time to charge the battery packs.”
- On command, MOT members must “do the teapot”. Colin said “Doing the teapot, effectively slows the team down where they could potentially breach the 17MPH barrier. It’s really a safety feature of the group. I learned the technique from Slutty Barry while pumping with the young lads in Thailand.”
Be warned, doing “the teapot” is VERY HARD to undertake and can only be done under strict supervision of a fully qualified MOT practitioner*.
MOT co-founder, Mick Owen explains. “Ey up. It’s REALLY hard. I’ve been doing this for almost 10 years now and still find it immensely difficult duck, ey up”. When asked what his role was Mick said “I’m the bollock man. If you need to scratch ‘em, I’m your man, love”
In between bouts of MOT’ing, it is common for a chap to pause and admire the view. We encourage healthy participation in “grabbing your grannies” as it encourages air flow, slapping, reduces down rub, and removes numbness. Can also have a lazy lob side effect, which we know everyone loves to see.
Mick’s quick guide to ball prep
- Make sure the nails are cut short but not too short. Mick says “Ey up! You’ll need to get a good purchase if they are particularly hairy or tucked under like a lady bag”.
- Practise on a household pet first, preferably a male pet and just go for it. Ideally no bigger than a horse and no smaller than a vole. If no pet is available an older family member may be suitable. We find that saying “Just checking your verruca” or “that mouse is nesting on your ball bag again” helps.
- Try staring into the distance and thinking about sheep. The further you can pick a point to stare at, the more intense the feeling. Micks tip is - “Ey up. If sheep aren’t your thing, try thinking about sexing up a lady or a badger.”
- Finally, be brazen and carefree. Mick’s advice is “Just get them out if you have to, ey up. I’ve often had a shit in the woods and there’s nothing better than having a good go at your dingles at the same time. Let them run free duck, love, ey up.”
MOT is formally** endorsed by top spindly man Chris Froome. Froomey (as we call him), adopted the technique after discovering that winners aren’t always the quickest but probably should be. The Froomster (as we call him) said “Keep on truckin’ lads”.
*An official MOT practitioner can be hired from Lookey Lovely Likies. In particular Magnum PI, Bishop Desmond Tu Tu or Uncle Fester.
**Whilst not formally endorsing MOT, Froomio (as we call him) has not, not formally endorsed not MOT, not, yes.
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