Everything you ever wanted to know about the team is contained below. All contents are factually correct and independently verified by the MillCorp Check-it service at the time of writing. If you want to contact one of the team about advertising opportunities, film work or ladies nights please do it through our Facebook page.
George has the largest collection of Peas in Kent (over 7). A highly skilled jazz whistler, Octogenarian George (co-author of A Brief History of Whistling) blames the demise of whistling on the advent of smart phones. He also claims that the popular warble “whistle while you work” was a post war euphemism for pleasuring oneself, with“users” whistling to cover up the sound of shuffling and scraping.
He invented the word “Overcoat” often using it as a replacement for "fuck" e.g. "I overcoating love that overcoat".
Likes crawling through gaps and supplements his income by jiggling (a less skilful form of juggling). Loves looking at things but hates being looked at.
He has committed nine crimes during his lifetime but has only been convicted once for assaulting milkman with Chupa Chups - he was charged with being a lolly gagger.
Camera shy Trevor likes dancing, prancing and a bit of boil lancing. He has a passion for war gaming and is often know to be roaming the realms of Moultonor as a spider called Jeff, casting spells and carrying a "Piffin”.
He is insistent that Cliff Richards' real name is Clifford but we all know its Nigel.
Trevor is the only person known to have survived an attack of The Johns simply by returning to the slumber cot at 5am, tired beyond all natural human exhaustion limits and playing drum and bass at 400 decibels.
He is in the process of changing his name and would like some help choosing - choose now
Already received grumbles about not having enough words on his profile (even though he has his own page!) so of course the web site developers at MillCorp can indulge - "I took that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "that one's mine", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "I took that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", droning on...
He is insistent that Cliff Richards' real name is Clifford but we all know its Nigel.
Trevor is the only person known to have survived an attack of The Johns simply by returning to the slumber cot at 5am, tired beyond all natural human exhaustion limits and playing drum and bass at 400 decibels.
He is in the process of changing his name and would like some help choosing - choose now
Already received grumbles about not having enough words on his profile (even though he has his own page!) so of course the web site developers at MillCorp can indulge - "I took that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "that one's mine", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "I took that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", "and that", droning on...
Darren recently parted company with Water R Us after suggesting to his employers that they should “hide all the
water in cupboards” just in case it got a bit hot at some point. The plan was in
full swing until South East water realised that Darren’s calculations were disastrously
flawed finding themselves an ottoman and blanket box short of requirements.
Until the “push it back into the clouds” contingency plan is finalised they
have decided to leave it where it is.
As well as being called “Cupboard Man”, Darren has also been known as Kent's "Needle Man" for his ability to stick hundreds of surgical needles into his face at once. Das claims he once stuck 550 of them in his face at one time and could have done more, but had to be home for his tea.
He recently walked to the Top of Mont Ventoux because he “really wanted one of those silver jackets” and then proceeded to play an invisible piano with his wobbling friends. He is often seen at the back of the group encouraging team members who are struggling; he describes this humanitarian work as challenging but rewarding, he said ”why can’t they just fucking train like the rest of us?”.
As well as being called “Cupboard Man”, Darren has also been known as Kent's "Needle Man" for his ability to stick hundreds of surgical needles into his face at once. Das claims he once stuck 550 of them in his face at one time and could have done more, but had to be home for his tea.
He recently walked to the Top of Mont Ventoux because he “really wanted one of those silver jackets” and then proceeded to play an invisible piano with his wobbling friends. He is often seen at the back of the group encouraging team members who are struggling; he describes this humanitarian work as challenging but rewarding, he said ”why can’t they just fucking train like the rest of us?”.
Chris is the most unemployable cyclist
we have, cycling almost every day. (We
think) he runs his owns cycling business and he has made his fortune from
selling 3 inner tubes, a crash helmet and two tyres. Chris is a real ladies man
often wearing their clothes, touching them inappropriately and calling himself Sharon. When not earning wads of cash at Xerox cycles he sometimes trains
eagles to drop nuts down the blouses of ladies. He then uses his now infamous
chat up line “excuse me but I think my nuts are on your tits” scoring a 50% take
up rate.
Chris owns a series of floating homes miles away from the rest of Civilization where he spends his time hoping that the world will end or at least get more damp than it is now. He has an obsessive personality and once lobbed some cheese at the Pope; he is now banned from entering Vatican City or the Pope and the Cheese counter at Asda.
He likes to wear bawdy pair of crimson slacks whilst cooking and adores Phil from the estate agent programme on Channel 4. He hates blinking of any kind and has a wandering crotch.
Chris owns a series of floating homes miles away from the rest of Civilization where he spends his time hoping that the world will end or at least get more damp than it is now. He has an obsessive personality and once lobbed some cheese at the Pope; he is now banned from entering Vatican City or the Pope and the Cheese counter at Asda.
He likes to wear bawdy pair of crimson slacks whilst cooking and adores Phil from the estate agent programme on Channel 4. He hates blinking of any kind and has a wandering crotch.
Dr Mark has, over the past 4 years, transformed himself from a man who does only good, to a despicable cloud botherer called Dr Evil. He once conjured a set of Stratocumulus over a school fate in Sissinghurst which caused minor precipitation for around 5 minutes, ruining the vicars speech.
Mark is in fact one of the world’s greatest ventriloquists. This is actually due to a medical condition called “liposuction” (not to be confused with Lido Junction) which makes his lips involuntarily shut down at any time, to compensate he has trained 64 percent of the neurons in his inferior colliculus to simply kick in and throw his voice to distract the listener. He once scared a shopkeeper by making a melon say bugger. Dr Evil and his team are now conducting experiments to determine whether back flips can cure the incurable
He still collects tea towels but has moved on to used ones, keeping them about his person to sniff and rub so that he can reminisce about dinners from the past. He once stole a pinny from Benjamin Netanyahu hoping that it would smell of falafel but was disappointed that it “had an aroma of figs”. This new obsession means that he has given up drinking wine so please do not offer him any.
Mark is a professional Rummikub player, Oncologist and a Flamenco opera dancer in his spare time.
Mark is in fact one of the world’s greatest ventriloquists. This is actually due to a medical condition called “liposuction” (not to be confused with Lido Junction) which makes his lips involuntarily shut down at any time, to compensate he has trained 64 percent of the neurons in his inferior colliculus to simply kick in and throw his voice to distract the listener. He once scared a shopkeeper by making a melon say bugger. Dr Evil and his team are now conducting experiments to determine whether back flips can cure the incurable
He still collects tea towels but has moved on to used ones, keeping them about his person to sniff and rub so that he can reminisce about dinners from the past. He once stole a pinny from Benjamin Netanyahu hoping that it would smell of falafel but was disappointed that it “had an aroma of figs”. This new obsession means that he has given up drinking wine so please do not offer him any.
Mark is a professional Rummikub player, Oncologist and a Flamenco opera dancer in his spare time.
Harry claims to be retired from the Metropolitan Police Force DSU but was seen training his dog Ethel, a Moroccan Shitsu, to lick peanut butter off his balls. When questioned he answered "I am secretly designing a new technique for the DSU to locate nuts for visiting dignitaries who have peanut allergies", "it's all hush hush" he went on, "does your dog fancy being trained?".
He once killed a man with his bare arms whilst posted in a secret location overseas. The Majorcan times reported the story describing the assailant as "a man with large eye bags and his t-shirt tucked in - looks like he uses the middle urinal and lifts his leg when he plays darts". "Oh and shaves his grey chest".
He thought a Musette was one of the three Musketeers, adding that he met Porthos once on a train and had to fine him for travelling beyond his ticket destination. Harry said " he was claiming to be from 17th century France but he just looked like an untidy Demis Roussos so I fined him the full £20 penalty and chucked him off the train".
He once killed a man with his bare arms whilst posted in a secret location overseas. The Majorcan times reported the story describing the assailant as "a man with large eye bags and his t-shirt tucked in - looks like he uses the middle urinal and lifts his leg when he plays darts". "Oh and shaves his grey chest".
He thought a Musette was one of the three Musketeers, adding that he met Porthos once on a train and had to fine him for travelling beyond his ticket destination. Harry said " he was claiming to be from 17th century France but he just looked like an untidy Demis Roussos so I fined him the full £20 penalty and chucked him off the train".
Curly was once a keeper at the Bloemfontein Zoo in charge of small mammals but was "let go" after he was found cooking something in a potjie pot that looked like a Lli Pika, a rare endangered teddy bear lookalike. Zoo chiefs said, " a colleague saw him gnawing on a furry ear which alerted us to the fact that he may be consuming the animals rather than caring for them", he added, "since Mr Manklow joined the Zoo we did notice a sharp increase in the death rates of small mammals". Zoologist Dr Butholezwe said " We had no reason to disbelieve Mr Manklow, he advised us that the deaths were due to a few rabbits with a cold and a snake with a bad hip". Curly no longer works with animals but neighbours did comment that he did have a gerbil who died mysteriously young.
It is not widely known that Curly was a catholic Priest known as Paddy but was ousted when he was heard to have said "Jesus H Christ" to the Pope during a Goat blessing. Paddy/Curly claims when what he actually said was "jeez this crust", whilst he was eating some particularly hard toast. The church have still not forgiven him. He still believes Jesus' middle name is Henry.
Curly also invented the pick me up.
It is not widely known that Curly was a catholic Priest known as Paddy but was ousted when he was heard to have said "Jesus H Christ" to the Pope during a Goat blessing. Paddy/Curly claims when what he actually said was "jeez this crust", whilst he was eating some particularly hard toast. The church have still not forgiven him. He still believes Jesus' middle name is Henry.
Curly also invented the pick me up.
Nick, our re-elected parish Council representative, continues to upset locals with his regular outbursts every time he passes the Yalding Memorial. After rumours circulated that parts of the original wailing wall were used to build the memorial, Nick has converted to a misinterpreted version Judaism where he believes that instead of Jewish prayer being quietly read, one must wail and sob at the memorial. "Basically, you scream until you shit yourself. It's very cathartic", Nick said. At the time of writing Nick was wailing at least three times a week. Local man said "he is bit annoying, just a bit too shouty, but he does clean up after himself which is nice".
He also believes he is the reincarnation of Herod the Great and regularly slaughters newborn babies in the area - watch out Yalding!
Unfortunately his immovable nipple left the country to visit his cousin in Sweden, and Nick's claim has now been struck from the Gluinness Book of Records. Luckily for him (and mankind) he has a jumping testicle that can do the Hokey Cokey.
He also believes he is the reincarnation of Herod the Great and regularly slaughters newborn babies in the area - watch out Yalding!
Unfortunately his immovable nipple left the country to visit his cousin in Sweden, and Nick's claim has now been struck from the Gluinness Book of Records. Luckily for him (and mankind) he has a jumping testicle that can do the Hokey Cokey.
Charles and Tracey are our sorter outers on the ground. Think, hotels, food, drink and laydeez!
After The Racers have cycled off they actually spend their days fencing off areas of land in the hope that they will simply become abandoned and they can claim them for themselves. It has had limited success but they now own a crochet hut in Northern Spain and the Mont bit from Mont Ventoux.
When not stealing land, the duo love going on Murder sprees and have notched up twenty three kills so far and not one has been detected. Tracey said, "usually Charles lures them in by removing his shorts and singing, then I let them have it, its great fun, much better than following those boring tossers on bikes about." Her favourite kill style is using a garrotte and she prefers killing thin people as fatties "fart a lot". They dispose of the bodies by turning them into pork pies. They are delicious.
After The Racers have cycled off they actually spend their days fencing off areas of land in the hope that they will simply become abandoned and they can claim them for themselves. It has had limited success but they now own a crochet hut in Northern Spain and the Mont bit from Mont Ventoux.
When not stealing land, the duo love going on Murder sprees and have notched up twenty three kills so far and not one has been detected. Tracey said, "usually Charles lures them in by removing his shorts and singing, then I let them have it, its great fun, much better than following those boring tossers on bikes about." Her favourite kill style is using a garrotte and she prefers killing thin people as fatties "fart a lot". They dispose of the bodies by turning them into pork pies. They are delicious.
Once described as “tall, loud and drunk” Ian is our resident VC and employer and is often seen succession planning in the Chequers pub.
He is fanatical about Lady Di and owns a life sized replica of her famous see through skirt, wearing it in the comfort of his own wardrobe. Ian believes that she was assassinated by royal reptilian vampires because she was about to reveal the truth; he has never got over it and regularly attends the "I really loved Princess Diana because she was really lovely and all that" help group.
Ian is training to be a Muslim Cleric preaching his "details details" ideology in the hope to change fanatical terrorists from the inside. However, his training is being hampered with his lack of ability to grow a beard and regular meetings when he needs to look smart.
Ian, owner of the web site squeeze the Japanese on the knees, is one of our point men when it comes to finding our way around foreign parts. Guiding us not just with maps but using his voice and the pointy bits on the end of his hands.
Financier Moore has been tipped to fund the newest, most magnificent virtual world in the universe, Crisp Mountain Resort ; a world of crisps. He is rumoured to have poured his life (and death) savings into the investment claiming "it is another MillCorp venture so it's impossible to say no, such is the pedigree of this entrepreneurial viper".
He is fanatical about Lady Di and owns a life sized replica of her famous see through skirt, wearing it in the comfort of his own wardrobe. Ian believes that she was assassinated by royal reptilian vampires because she was about to reveal the truth; he has never got over it and regularly attends the "I really loved Princess Diana because she was really lovely and all that" help group.
Ian is training to be a Muslim Cleric preaching his "details details" ideology in the hope to change fanatical terrorists from the inside. However, his training is being hampered with his lack of ability to grow a beard and regular meetings when he needs to look smart.
Ian, owner of the web site squeeze the Japanese on the knees, is one of our point men when it comes to finding our way around foreign parts. Guiding us not just with maps but using his voice and the pointy bits on the end of his hands.
Financier Moore has been tipped to fund the newest, most magnificent virtual world in the universe, Crisp Mountain Resort ; a world of crisps. He is rumoured to have poured his life (and death) savings into the investment claiming "it is another MillCorp venture so it's impossible to say no, such is the pedigree of this entrepreneurial viper".
It is wise to keep your bum covered around Steve. Having spent some of his career in the far east, he is quite superstitious - often attempting to insert the index fingers harshly into the derrière of the unsuspecting victim while shouting ‘KANCHO!’. The practice is believed to encourage the God of wealth and prosperity but the technique is very similar to "KONCHO" the God of itchy balls.
A follower of Ganguro, every week Steve dyes his skin as orange as possible and then applies huge amounts of foundation, adding black ink for eyeliner, platform shoes and bleached hair completes this curious fashion trend. He then calls himself Steverina so that no one can recognise him.
He believes that the centre of the earth is hollow and populated by the Nazis, who fled there after World War II.
A follower of Ganguro, every week Steve dyes his skin as orange as possible and then applies huge amounts of foundation, adding black ink for eyeliner, platform shoes and bleached hair completes this curious fashion trend. He then calls himself Steverina so that no one can recognise him.
He believes that the centre of the earth is hollow and populated by the Nazis, who fled there after World War II.
Des “you signed up for this
trip” McElroy is the financier of the team and can often be heard berating team
members who over order a shandy or Blue Nun.
He has a healthy passion for cycling and an unhealthy one licking leaves. He claims to have licked leaves all over the world from the Isle of Sheppey to Kathmandu, his favourite leaf is either from the native Oak or the Jack Fruit tree from Sri Lanka where he says “the veins are divine; a subtle blend of geraniums and creosote”. His wife claims that his leaf obsession may have gone too far when she found him in bed with a small Fern, medium Larch & a Mulberry bush claiming he was ‘simply doing some whittling’.
He plays in a Death Metal band called Flowers up Your Arse and once ate a sheep named Derek (but not the ears).
He claims to have once eaten the worlds biggest tomato which was 3 ft in diameter. Whilst it is not in the Gluiness Book of Records we do believe him because he said it was massive, had really big pips and was "well juicy".
He has a healthy passion for cycling and an unhealthy one licking leaves. He claims to have licked leaves all over the world from the Isle of Sheppey to Kathmandu, his favourite leaf is either from the native Oak or the Jack Fruit tree from Sri Lanka where he says “the veins are divine; a subtle blend of geraniums and creosote”. His wife claims that his leaf obsession may have gone too far when she found him in bed with a small Fern, medium Larch & a Mulberry bush claiming he was ‘simply doing some whittling’.
He plays in a Death Metal band called Flowers up Your Arse and once ate a sheep named Derek (but not the ears).
He claims to have once eaten the worlds biggest tomato which was 3 ft in diameter. Whilst it is not in the Gluiness Book of Records we do believe him because he said it was massive, had really big pips and was "well juicy".
Often referred to as the sheep man in Laddingford because he loves to paint sheep. Wannabe shepherd Stan can often be found with his water colours and oils, running naked in fields with an erect phallus. "He's a bloody menace" commented retired Nazi tooth dentist, Mick Owen. He angrily said " I wouldn't mind but he's got all the proportions wrong, Gavin has rather large ears and Stan has painted him with almost piggy like ears, "it's very upsetting for them". When questioned on the fact that Stan is naked Owen said, "oh, we all love that he has such a large knob it's a treat to be honest".
Mod/Skin Stan has a love of all things Ska - he once mistakenly bought some Monkey Boots off a bloke down the pup (who was also selling job lots of ladies grundies) and was subsequently arrested when it was discovered that they were actually made from the pelt of the last Bouvier’s red colobus monkey, which had not been seen in some 40 years and was thought by many to be extinct. Compassionate Stan commented "well it is now".
Stan now runs the 'Shining Lights in Your Face' foundation in Ipswich with his new partner Gavin. He hopes one day to shine a light on the world and show everyone how useful lights can be, especially when it gets dark and inside a wardrobe with the door closed.
Mod/Skin Stan has a love of all things Ska - he once mistakenly bought some Monkey Boots off a bloke down the pup (who was also selling job lots of ladies grundies) and was subsequently arrested when it was discovered that they were actually made from the pelt of the last Bouvier’s red colobus monkey, which had not been seen in some 40 years and was thought by many to be extinct. Compassionate Stan commented "well it is now".
Stan now runs the 'Shining Lights in Your Face' foundation in Ipswich with his new partner Gavin. He hopes one day to shine a light on the world and show everyone how useful lights can be, especially when it gets dark and inside a wardrobe with the door closed.
Mick made his fortune by stealing gold out of his patients teeth (just like the Nazis) and replacing them with cooking foil. Micks business took off after he gained notoriety through working actor Richard Keil (aka 007s Jaws). Unfortunately, Keil was made bankrupt after the platinum teeth he planned to sell on retirement turned out to be fake. Laboratory analysis revealed traces of baked potato and charcoal and was subsequently used to wrap a boffins lunch. He died penniless having spent thousands on the court case against Mick. Mick called Keil " a tall bastard" and remorselessly said he would do it again.
On a lighter note Mick once threatened to kill someones cat with an axe on Christmas day.
He runs classes in "shafting" and "being a bit of a bugger" from his pile in Paddock Wood (near Trevor's' house which is also in Paddock Wood).
He loves locking people in toilets and slipping death threats under the door.
On a lighter note Mick once threatened to kill someones cat with an axe on Christmas day.
He runs classes in "shafting" and "being a bit of a bugger" from his pile in Paddock Wood (near Trevor's' house which is also in Paddock Wood).
He loves locking people in toilets and slipping death threats under the door.
Vidal is our resident innovator
and has patented the bag, bag, bag, bag; it is a device that allows multiple
bags, within bags, within bags. Simply store something in bag 1, put it in bag
2 and then place that carefully into bag 3, and then insert bagged bags into
bag 4 remembering what was in each bag by brand e.g. Waitrose bag for pants,
Waitrose bag for medicines and Waitrose bag for cards, crisps and shoes. You
should now be able to find anything.
He is the unbeaten arm wrestling champion beating Fit Mick and the Sergeant Major left handed. Neal is also known for his bedroom tomfoolery and some individuals have experienced biscuit bed, shampoothpaste and shit shoes. He sometimes sleeps on landings and will steal anything that looks pretty, makes a funny noise or bag related merchandise.
Neal has a fondness for naming his body parts and often vigorously cleans Mr Nuggin, with Putin & Gorbachev just behind, though his Julia Roberts can occasionally become quite sore. Neal hates hot breath and never washes his hands as they clean themselves over time.
He also thinks aliens are bigger than he imagines.
He is the unbeaten arm wrestling champion beating Fit Mick and the Sergeant Major left handed. Neal is also known for his bedroom tomfoolery and some individuals have experienced biscuit bed, shampoothpaste and shit shoes. He sometimes sleeps on landings and will steal anything that looks pretty, makes a funny noise or bag related merchandise.
Neal has a fondness for naming his body parts and often vigorously cleans Mr Nuggin, with Putin & Gorbachev just behind, though his Julia Roberts can occasionally become quite sore. Neal hates hot breath and never washes his hands as they clean themselves over time.
He also thinks aliens are bigger than he imagines.
Founder and CEO of the MOT, Colin is an accomplished athlete and through the MOT has created a cycling phenomenon and technique that has revolutionised the cycling world. Beating off a hostile takeover in May 2015 after a serious boardroom error by one of his most senior executives, Colin has worked hard to retain and develop the business he loves and cherishes as much as his family.
Aside from his entrepreneurial guile and gorgeousness, he is an international shamanic like bicycling hero. Determined not to leave anyone behind you can find him riding consciously at the back, looking for stragglers and encouraging them to pass or even suggesting that they stop or slow down to have a moment for reflection or prayer. He has even been known to rest for an entire day so that he can meditate ensuring that everyone in the group makes it safely to their destination by following his man thoughts.
An avid follower of fluff guru Richard Keyes, Colin believes that “body hair makes you stronger and hairier” and uses ice cold Asparagus to encourage genital hair growth; he now has a bush like a Wookie.
Aside from his entrepreneurial guile and gorgeousness, he is an international shamanic like bicycling hero. Determined not to leave anyone behind you can find him riding consciously at the back, looking for stragglers and encouraging them to pass or even suggesting that they stop or slow down to have a moment for reflection or prayer. He has even been known to rest for an entire day so that he can meditate ensuring that everyone in the group makes it safely to their destination by following his man thoughts.
An avid follower of fluff guru Richard Keyes, Colin believes that “body hair makes you stronger and hairier” and uses ice cold Asparagus to encourage genital hair growth; he now has a bush like a Wookie.
John runs the “Alfa Sanctuary”
in Darman Lane where his team nurse Alfas in their dying days. He also
owns the “Slightly Dodgy Not Quite Right Alfa Car Hire Business” where he lends
unsuspecting friends cars to see if they will break down or kill the driver
before stealing them back to go for Pizza.
John is a ladies’ man who splits his time between Laddingford and Wokistan with occasional visits to Vienna. When not wowing the ladies he’s still stitching his tenants up with rent hikes, dodgy wiring and dangerous electricians.
He has a very technical nasal problem called “The Johns”. Earplugs, sleeping in corridors and the room next door are said to be ineffectual against this night time menace. Victims of “The Johns” are known to display fatigue, aural fungus and an all round grumpiness brought on by chronic fatigue. John claims to have gone undercover for Lance Armstrong posing as a domestique for Festina from 1989 to 1998, “after spending a week with John, I needed so much EPO to stay awake that it was easier to just replace my blood with it” said Richard Virenque in his book “John fucked my cycling career”. In 2011 John testified that Lance Armstrong had paid him to sleep next door to competitors; this led to an overall rise in the use of EPO in the peloton. It was only when it was discovered that the Tour vehicles were using EPO instead of traditional fuels did the authorities realise that something was amiss.
John is still employed by unscrupulous athletes trying to get the edge on their competitors and it is said that the 2014/2015 seasons of Liverpool & QPR were affected by “The Johns”. An investigation is currently ongoing and it is not known if John will get banned from sleeping.
On a happier note John likes, buttercups, wild honey and trumpets.
John is a ladies’ man who splits his time between Laddingford and Wokistan with occasional visits to Vienna. When not wowing the ladies he’s still stitching his tenants up with rent hikes, dodgy wiring and dangerous electricians.
He has a very technical nasal problem called “The Johns”. Earplugs, sleeping in corridors and the room next door are said to be ineffectual against this night time menace. Victims of “The Johns” are known to display fatigue, aural fungus and an all round grumpiness brought on by chronic fatigue. John claims to have gone undercover for Lance Armstrong posing as a domestique for Festina from 1989 to 1998, “after spending a week with John, I needed so much EPO to stay awake that it was easier to just replace my blood with it” said Richard Virenque in his book “John fucked my cycling career”. In 2011 John testified that Lance Armstrong had paid him to sleep next door to competitors; this led to an overall rise in the use of EPO in the peloton. It was only when it was discovered that the Tour vehicles were using EPO instead of traditional fuels did the authorities realise that something was amiss.
John is still employed by unscrupulous athletes trying to get the edge on their competitors and it is said that the 2014/2015 seasons of Liverpool & QPR were affected by “The Johns”. An investigation is currently ongoing and it is not known if John will get banned from sleeping.
On a happier note John likes, buttercups, wild honey and trumpets.
Crisp addict Simon was once bed ridden for a week after eating a packet that was nearly three years out of date. He has also the largest collection of crisps shaped like a cock, numbering 131. Though James Smith from Arkansas, whose collection tops out at 130, contests that his Mike Tyson lookawanger looks more like an anorexic carrot.
Having only fully completed one tour, Simon has yet to be fully accepted by the group and it has been suggested that if he spent more time buying other members drinks, snacks and treating them once in a while (a meal, theatre etc.) that he could be top dog overtaking Trevor as the biggest Ostrich on show.
Simon is often found alone at night thinking of being on the stage. His dream is to be the lead in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. “I love that film” he said, “Howard Keel has a wonderful singing voice and does an amazing doe si doe”. “I can do the flipback and the shimmy but the doe si doe is out of my league”. At the time of writing Simon could “doe si” but not “doe”.
He once held a horse captive in his garden and sold it some Gypsies for some Hamlets and a tot of rum - he is of course, now cursed for life.
Simon describes himself as the wisest human on earth.
Having only fully completed one tour, Simon has yet to be fully accepted by the group and it has been suggested that if he spent more time buying other members drinks, snacks and treating them once in a while (a meal, theatre etc.) that he could be top dog overtaking Trevor as the biggest Ostrich on show.
Simon is often found alone at night thinking of being on the stage. His dream is to be the lead in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. “I love that film” he said, “Howard Keel has a wonderful singing voice and does an amazing doe si doe”. “I can do the flipback and the shimmy but the doe si doe is out of my league”. At the time of writing Simon could “doe si” but not “doe”.
He once held a horse captive in his garden and sold it some Gypsies for some Hamlets and a tot of rum - he is of course, now cursed for life.
Simon describes himself as the wisest human on earth.
Mick recently rejoined the Racers having served a years ban after the "Majorca incident". Having vowed to change his ways Mick then went on to threaten groups of schoolgirls in the Far East and was forcibly repatriated to The Racers.
Micks new role in the Police is as a Clothes Protection Officer, protecting the clothes of high ranking dignitaries often spending hours sitting around, visiting large scale pop concerts, garden parties and movie sets. Don't tell anyone, but he recently looked after a pair of Prince Williams loafers, a hat belonging to Barak O' Bama the famous Irish look likey, and a handful of buttons recently purchased by the Crown Prince of Jordan.
He is now undertaking specialised Drover training enabling him to move large flocks of VIPs in one sitting. We are pleased to announce that he has passed level 1 certification having herded ten MPs, a prostitute and a goat into a small shed in Droitwich.
Mick is the owner of the smallest fig in Sidcup and buffs it every morning.
Micks new role in the Police is as a Clothes Protection Officer, protecting the clothes of high ranking dignitaries often spending hours sitting around, visiting large scale pop concerts, garden parties and movie sets. Don't tell anyone, but he recently looked after a pair of Prince Williams loafers, a hat belonging to Barak O' Bama the famous Irish look likey, and a handful of buttons recently purchased by the Crown Prince of Jordan.
He is now undertaking specialised Drover training enabling him to move large flocks of VIPs in one sitting. We are pleased to announce that he has passed level 1 certification having herded ten MPs, a prostitute and a goat into a small shed in Droitwich.
Mick is the owner of the smallest fig in Sidcup and buffs it every morning.
Jim is also known as Kenny the magic dancer - an act he performs in the working mens clubs of Gravesend. His most famous trick, the disappearing vomit, is much enjoyed by celebs and he once performed it at the wedding of Leonardo de Caprio and his wife Lou Ferrigno.
When he's not performing on stage he is giving the ladies a treat in his old British Telecom uniform, fixing party line issues and identifying where he can erect his wi-fi extender.
He is the owner of website cats can make great lovers and once stole £70,000 of bull semen because he thought it was "farmers milk".
He has a watch that can tell the time and some boots that weren't made for walking, which has made walking in those boots almost impossible (they are for dancing and flax pressing).
Kenny really is magic, a bit like Gary Potter.
Dominic loves to talk and finds it very hard to keep work out of his mind, often cleaning hotel rooms and appraising staff during trips. He once organised an entire wedding during our Italian trip, giving the bride and groom a look at his pet mouse " as a treat" before being unceremoniously ejected. Puzzled Dom commented, "I only offered them a stroke of his little bald head?".
He once ground down the bones of a giraffe and snorted it in an attempt to make himself taller; It worked but he now has to carrier a ladder everywhere to satisfy his cravings for leaves at the very tops of trees.
He genuinely almost moved house to get better Broadband.
He once ground down the bones of a giraffe and snorted it in an attempt to make himself taller; It worked but he now has to carrier a ladder everywhere to satisfy his cravings for leaves at the very tops of trees.
He genuinely almost moved house to get better Broadband.
Keith and Di are the masters of disguise; they can by everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
They lead our advance party to European destinations and look after us on the road offering mechanical support, sustenance and advice. Their sage advice has been instrumental in getting us safely to our destinations and on a recent trip to Mont Ventoux gave us the lay of the land before attempting our ascent advising us that it was a bit hilly, a bit warm, a bit cold and could takes ages or could be quick depending on how fast we go.
Few know that Keith is a world champion Krumper and has travelled the world to Krump, famously beating Wild Willie Staggs in the 2009 Championships with his now infamous stomp, arm swing, and buck up.
Interestingly, Keith & Di have toured the world in their Caravan called Bessie and on one of these trips bumped into the now deceased, Nelson Mandela at a caravan park on the Isle of Sheppey. Keith remarked that he was short and that his awning was slightly bigger than the pitch he had paid for - he reported him to the Caravan club but no action was taken.
They lead our advance party to European destinations and look after us on the road offering mechanical support, sustenance and advice. Their sage advice has been instrumental in getting us safely to our destinations and on a recent trip to Mont Ventoux gave us the lay of the land before attempting our ascent advising us that it was a bit hilly, a bit warm, a bit cold and could takes ages or could be quick depending on how fast we go.
Few know that Keith is a world champion Krumper and has travelled the world to Krump, famously beating Wild Willie Staggs in the 2009 Championships with his now infamous stomp, arm swing, and buck up.
Interestingly, Keith & Di have toured the world in their Caravan called Bessie and on one of these trips bumped into the now deceased, Nelson Mandela at a caravan park on the Isle of Sheppey. Keith remarked that he was short and that his awning was slightly bigger than the pitch he had paid for - he reported him to the Caravan club but no action was taken.
The Bibby Bullet, as well as being an exceptionally fast and quiet cyclist is a crazed conspiracy theorist. He believes that Marilyn Monroe was murdered for being a UFO Informant and her blood provided the precise formula for Heinz Tomato ketchup.
He has exploding head syndrome - a result of neurological discharges which make sufferers feel like 'a bomb has gone off' in their heads and can often be seen holding his mouth closed to catch tongue shrapnel.
John has trained his eyes to roll back so far in his head that he can actually see his brain at work, though he claims only to have witnessed it once, doing the washing up. His partner remarked that he smashed a lot of crockery that night and peed in the wardrobe.
He has exploding head syndrome - a result of neurological discharges which make sufferers feel like 'a bomb has gone off' in their heads and can often be seen holding his mouth closed to catch tongue shrapnel.
John has trained his eyes to roll back so far in his head that he can actually see his brain at work, though he claims only to have witnessed it once, doing the washing up. His partner remarked that he smashed a lot of crockery that night and peed in the wardrobe.
Steve Parish Parrish (?). Steve, a former go go dancer, now cheese kingpin, once claimed to have eaten the largest cheese in the world - a 6ft wide Gouda named Greg.
According to Dr. Neal Barnard, founder and president of the Cheese as you sneeze and wheeze disease society, cheese pusher Parrish has been stockpiling and selling all kinds of cheeses to local addicts including the highly addictive "Bishops Knob" cheese. Addict, John Griffiths said " every time I look at Bishops Knob, I just want it in me", he drooled "Steve has such a large knob, I just want to nibble it".
The primary protein in milk is casein. When the human body digests casein, it produces casomorphins, which have an opiate-like effect on humans. Because cheese is denser than, for example, milk, the casein is more heavily concentrated, meaning that eating cheese produces a larger amount of casomorphins in the body compared to eating other dairy products. It can also give sufferers penguin like qualities so much so that Parrish's left hand resembles a Penguin Chick and uncannily weighs the same as 14 penguin bars and he has used the very same hand to measure 14 horses.
According to Dr. Neal Barnard, founder and president of the Cheese as you sneeze and wheeze disease society, cheese pusher Parrish has been stockpiling and selling all kinds of cheeses to local addicts including the highly addictive "Bishops Knob" cheese. Addict, John Griffiths said " every time I look at Bishops Knob, I just want it in me", he drooled "Steve has such a large knob, I just want to nibble it".
The primary protein in milk is casein. When the human body digests casein, it produces casomorphins, which have an opiate-like effect on humans. Because cheese is denser than, for example, milk, the casein is more heavily concentrated, meaning that eating cheese produces a larger amount of casomorphins in the body compared to eating other dairy products. It can also give sufferers penguin like qualities so much so that Parrish's left hand resembles a Penguin Chick and uncannily weighs the same as 14 penguin bars and he has used the very same hand to measure 14 horses.
Alumni
Les Leonard was a genuinely funny guy who we miss on our annual trips. He loved a drink, the ladies and had absolutely no sense of direction – he fitted in perfectly.
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Whilst Tony has retired from this web site, he now owns a successful string of massage parlours called “Masterbatemen” a hilarious play on the words Masturbate Men. He still loves riding, pumping and finger games. |
Tony Hawk
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We haven't seen Tym for a while but we understand that he now runs a people smuggling operation in Northern France using a very small hovercraft, some large Lidl bags and a few rolls of Gaffa tape.
He was our tour guide on the first trip and, after taking us round most of France uttered the inimitable words “it’s only 5 miles”. By day he owns a business that clearly runs itself, and is mostly seen rushing in and out of his own home without any definable purpose.
He loves setting light to yesterdays news and saying hello to a squirrel in his garden called Graham.
Lance 'cheating bastard' Armstrong lookalike Barry once cycled down a Volcano in Knicker Rag Ewer beating the speed of record holder Markus Stockl by 5mph when he forgot that he left his sandwich at the top and cycled back for it. On his return he found out that everyone had gone home so his amazing feat was not recorded.
He does however, hold the records for 'most ants on an eyebrow' (87) and bushiest no mans land (very bushy).
Joe runs the popular eatery Brailley Dead, that serves high end cuisine made exclusively from dead pets with poor eyesight. His favourite dishes are; myopic hamster in a spicy lemon jus, pink eye rib of cat in a honey and mustard glaze, and glaucoma on toast.
He does wear glasses but wishes he could wear them more often.
He has the heart of an Ox and the feet of a sparrow making the flip flop his ideal and preferred footwear.
He once heard a dog bark and remarked how noisy it was.