Rider profiles archive

Archive - Rider profiles

Everything you ever wanted to know about the team is contained below. All contents are factually correct and independently verifiied at the time of writing. If you want to contact one of the team about advertising opportunities, film work or ladies nights please do it through our Facebook page.

Trevor Moulton is 27 likes dancing, collecting shells and Gary Numan. He is a tyre wear checker by trade and supplements his earnings carrying a pint mug around The Harp asking for change. He drives a grey Fiesta and is one of our best "uphillers".

Go Huffle puff go!

Trevor on a tractor

Darren does something to do with water and is often on telly pointing at Bewl Reservoir and telling us how low it is. He spends most of his time cycling his full carbon nutter bike by himself in a garage. He is coming to Spain but will cycle in the back of the van with the door closed. His hobbies are loneliness and solitude. Unfortunately, he has a condition which means he literally does not know what day it is.

Darren tries to remain in the dark

Tony Eagle

Tony is retired having sold his own business and spends his days "working out". He is thoroughly dependable on any ride and has lots of tools in his bag that we all take pleasure in using. We all love riding with Tony.

Tony on a bike

Alan Partridge

For those of you who are missing the old Tony, he has left the Chequers Racers and moved on to pastures new and now works for the prestigious MillCorp as a sales assistant.

Harry giving directions aggressively

Ex-Navy Harrison, keep us on our toes with his Army drills and his Submariner attention to detail. When he’s not sniffing out the talent at the Olympics or picking on people at tube stations, he can be seen down at HQ asking random questions and using the middle urinal. His speciality is the “locked dismount” which he often demonstrates on regular rides. Has been known to zip lock bikes to computer equipment and filling pillows with miniature shampoos. His hobbies are shouting, tucking in his t-shirt and shaving his chest. He is often mistaken for Thomas Voeckler and he likes piccalilli with every meal. Dislikes humming and the sound of plastic.

Woo hoo!

Councillor Thomson can often be seen with his fellow councillors smoking cigars, laughing loudly and pointing at unmade roads whilst sitting in his gilded chair. He is a sleeping voyeur and can often be found swapping his room key so that he can sneak into strangers hotel rooms, sometimes inviting fellow voyeurs to have a look. He loves outdoor dancing with props and the crusts cut off his toast. He has a Hoxton fin and a corn. He specialises in blank stares and has an immovable nipple.

Bacon Fries?

Charles and Tracey are not only our Directeur Sportif’s but support vehicle number two. Bringing up the rear and ensuring that the stragglers are dealt with. Charles is often seen pumping at the side of the road with one of the lads and Tracey is always there with the wipes in case things get messy. Tracey somehow manages to communicate with natives so we don’t end up eating crisps every day, whilst Charles seems to always have 18 beers lined up at a bar before we have even got off our bikes.

They spend their tour days off teaching the team about evasion and avoidance tactics. They both like late nights, crochet and crunchy snow.

Steve teaching a small child how to shoot a sniper rifle

Steve dreaming of armageddon

Steve is a conspiracy theorist who loves war and has built up an arsenal of personal weapons. His cycle shorts often have “grass” poking out the front of them. Steve is often offended in the bedroom draw as no one wants to sleep with him. He once beat John in a snore off and doesn’t ride on Saturdays because it’s too early. He likes sharing starters with other people and getting a weird feeling of déjà vu during main courses. Crust is his favourite texture.

Des is the only Scot in the village and hails from Glasgow (the rough part). He is the only one of the Racers who actually carried on training when we finished the Paris trip in 2011 and is infamous for popping out for a quick 20 miler. When he is not growing a beard or badger baiting he can be found updating his profile on Facebook. He also plays in an unpopular local band that often attracts “undesirables” and is a part time Catholic. He likes reading glasses and copper wire.

Des at the weekend

Des farts again

Is it a bird?

Stan is our flight booker, shirt guru and gym regular. He can often be found riding up front with the youngsters and shares a passion for taking his top off. He often takes long “business trips” to China and runs a dating agency for middle aged men with unusual grooming habits. Stan also likes sharing starters but only with Steve; you can often find them behind the bike sheds comparing meats. He loves folk music and square dancing, his favourite colour is Puce and he idolises Clive Sinclair because of his ginger beard.

Mick the dentist aka Mick the farmer aka magnum Mick. Usually found riding a penny farthing and speaking French. He wows the ladies with his very short shorts and silver “beard tickler” moustache. He recently joined the Spanish trip two days before the start, stepping in when George and his moustache was taken ill. He likes night time bedroom invasions and making wild accusations about keys and pillows. His favourite past times are caravanning and temporary dwellings.

Colin is the most gorgeous Racer of them all and gets all the girls. He wins all the races, has got the best bike and is really, really cool. He is exceptionally fit and can beat Usain Bolt in a running race. Brad Wiggins has a tattoo of Colin’s face on his arse so all the girls want to kiss it. He is a peace ambassador for the UN and is generally brilliant. Wow! What a guy!

Woof!

Joe is a professional beard grower and owns most of the beard trees in Kent. He currently works with luvvies who also love him back. He is a big fan of tattoos and has a giant nudey lady on his back who winks at you when he bends over and a swastika on his forehead to get a seat on the train. An art graduate and sculptor, he is described as “kooky” and once wore a dressing gown outside – crazy guy. He likes nice hair and pretends to be Rolf Harris on weekends.

This is the most recent photo of George we could find. He is one of our veteran riders and has been rebuilt several times. So much in fact that we are not sure if that's his own heart anymore or just a kit? He is reckless and doesn't wear a helmet - naughty boy!

George on a bike

Cut out and keep George moustache

Chris looking grumpy/serious - you decide

Chris is the most die hard cyclist we have, out almost every day. On the side he is a money launderer and professional gambler. He once toured the states on a unicycle and was great friends with Michael Jackson (and Bubbles) before his death. He wears only one glove when riding as a tribute and can moonwalk on his bike - sha mon! He likes harassing hen nights abroad and drinking cider.

Dr Mark is a doctor and specialist tube examiner, very helpful for punctures. Whilst he cannot talk to the animals he certainly collects them and continues to develop his menagerie. He owns an envious collection of fine wines and can be heard discussing the crispness of a Blue Nun at the local hostelry. He once ate a yoghurt standing on his head and is the only Racer to have done it alfresco in Spain. His favourite cheese is brown and he collects novelty tea towels.

Hello boys!

Curly is the human Sat nav. As well as being the most compact Racer, he has mapped the whole of Kent and can navigate by simply making clicking noises, which unfortunately attracts local bats. He has lovely red spokes and his seat is called Gerald.

Curly on an Arctic adventure

Curly kidnapping a small boy

Ian laughing after shooting a squirrel

Ian is a full time vulture culturalist, often spending weeks and months in Jersey in his lock-up. He has a highly sophisticated, temperature controlled bat cave, with al fresco cooking and lavatory facilities. Most used phrase is “details, details...” particularly when discussing length and heights of “hills”. Rarely seen on a bike until his intensive training regime kicks in about two weeks before a 4 day ride across Spain. Often turns up late at HQ after being suspiciously absent for weeks where no drink is too large or too small to consume. Loves butterflies, catching things and flashing amber lights. Dislikes dirt and paper.

Neal just before he was sectioned

Vidal likes to forget; he hasn’t had a traumatic experience he just forgets. He is the team kit expert and often advises on which shoes to wear to sportives, often favouring the double right approach or simply sandals. Recently dropped two team members because he was sure he waved at them and then spent 20 mins waiting with the team only to set off then stop immediately declaring he had a puncture. He loves eating olive nuts and over ordering beverages. He has been Moultened several times, once with a small child.

John idly thinking about better uses of his time

John is an entrepreneur, racing driver and slumlord. When he’s not spinning round Spa he can be found not fixing a boiler and inventing tenants to claim housing benefit. He recently retired from the Chequers Chasers, controversially citing a lack of talent in the club. He said “once all the young talent left the village it wasn’t worth running behind anyone any more”. He now rides the yellow peril once or twice a year to keep his fitness levels up. He is credited with inventing the peephole cycling legging. His favourite colour is blind.

Les and Keith are the infamous carriers of kit, consumables and crap. They boldly lead the team down dead ends, alleyways and dual carriageways; anywhere that could be deemed as highly dangerous or hazardous. They are experts at gazing at maps, drinking beer and coffee and offering sage advice to the team. Without them, no one would have any idea of the latest fashions. In fact most of the team have copied their eclectic style.

Keith likes hair dye, crusts and woop dee doos.

Les likes dancing coffee, loudness and pastels.

Jesus

Fit Mick was the main protagonist in the Croydon riots in 2011 and was summarily asked to sort it, which he did. Broke his hand kite surfing, though some think it was a jazz incident. He lives like a hermit and mainly stays indoors watching Red Dwarf videos and playing Donkey Kong. His all time hero is Avon from Blake’s Seven. He is the Welsh champion of Yu Gi Oh and can speak Esperanto fluently.

Jim runs everywhere. He used to cycle with us and then stopped as we were simply too fast for him. He will now only cycle with ex-military personnel and Dave the dancing Camel. He has done over a million marathons and loves punishing himself, even when he hasn’t done anything wrong. He likes fast cars, fraud and gravel rubbing.

Tim is hoping for a sign

We’re not sure Tym even owns a bike, we have certainly never seen him on one, but he does have an excellent sense of direction. He was responsible for ensuring we saw the most of France on our first foreign cycle trip and was the originator of the phrase “it’s only 5 miles”. He is a notoriously unreliable electrician and once accidentally switched off the National Grid stating “that should sort it”. He likes extensive foreign travel and getting off the beaten track.

FBI most wanted

Dominic is our hybrid hero and champion of the accommodation business. Can often be seen more at HQ than out on rides, despite being professionally measured for his steed. He likes cream cheese and smearing. He detests body hair of any kind and has been known to “shave his mouse” to make it look bigger. His mouse is called Gary and lives in a shoe.

Barry being arrested

Barry is the absent father of the group. He taught us everything he knew before sending us to France by ourselves; we have since forgotten it all. The team often reminisce about Barry; “Barry wouldn’t like us doing that” and “Barry would be ashamed of us now”. His hobbies are chino’s, doves and the Bee Gees. He likes nothing more than creating his own Pot pourri, baking and touching muffins.

Barry and his banjo

Archive - Rider profiles

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